After my baby was out, the first few days in the hospital was awesome. I enjoyed spending time with my baby & breastfeeding him.
Then it was time to bring my little one home.
In the Chinese tradition, I have to go through a 'Confinement' period where by it is a period when I will be taken cared by another person to heal my body. Usually a 'Confinement Lady' (CL) will be hired to cook for the new mother as well as take care of the newborn for a month. Why is it called the confinement period? Well I think it is mainly because new mothers are supposed to avoid their body from being in contact with any 'cold' situations for an example gush of wind, rain water etc. It is believed that these 'cold encounters' are able to affect the new mother's health later in life. They are supposed to keep warm during this period by eating 'warm' food such as ginger & rice wine and staying warm by avoiding cold areas or even refrain from using a fan!
Anyway, during my confinement period, it was also the time when I started to learn to take care of my baby. The confinement lady (CL) thought me how to change his nappy, feed him etc. My mother-in-law (MIL) also helped.
It was nice to have some one guiding when you are so new to this but sometimes too much help is no good. My baby would always cry during his first month, mainly because I was reacting to his cries very slowly because I needed some time to figure out what he wanted. However, whenever he cries, the CL or my MIL would take him away from me to comfort him.
Mean while in the night, he would be sleeping with the CL.
It also came to a point where my baby would stop crying when he is with the CL but when he is with me, he will be crying non stop. The CL started to feel proud that only she could stop him from crying, which places her above his mother. I started to dislike her from then on.
It felt really horrible as a mother. Seeing my baby always being taken away from me whenever he cries and him not sleeping with me. I felt both the CL and my MIL didn't give me a chance to try. It was very frustrating and I got really depressed. I wanted to go back to the first few days in the hospital when it was only baby and me alone. Life was perfect for those 4 days.
I would also wondered if he knows who is his mother, even though I was breastfeeding him. Would he think that CL is his mother?
I also had very little breast milk during my first month. Everyone kept giving me remarks such as 'You don't have enough milk. Why you don't have enough milk?'
They kept pestering me to eat all sorts of things to increase my milk supply which made me felt really pressured. It is like as though if I do not have enough breast milk, the world is going to end.
It came to a point where I feel I couldn't connect with my baby and I don't want to connect with him. Why should I connect with him when I don't know if he even knows who is his mother.
I felt rejected by my baby which lead me to reject my baby. And I felt horrible that I don't have enough breast milk for him.
My husband could see that I was depressed. It was a tough time for him too but he never complained and asked if I needed professional help. But in the end, I managed to get through that period without any professional help. I think what helped me was talking to my husband and inform and acknowledge the issues which were affecting me.
From then on, I never really like any one who like to provide 'helpful & thoughtful' advice. They are always giving the 'ideal' advice and never the realistic one. It puts a lot of pressure and sure not helpful at all. So what if you failed to have a natural delivery or you are unable to breastfeed your baby? Does that make you a bad mother? As long as your baby is safe & healthy, it doesn't really matter isn't?
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